An entry from my journal...
I sat down at my back porch, hoping to have a precious few moments alone, quiet, and still. I hoped for time with You Father. I began to ask for your purpose; your plan for me, something that has eluded me for some time. You greeted me with a whispered breeze across my neck. I turned my head to feel you against my face, only to be disappointed by the sudden stop. I longed to feel the wind against my face, and Your presence all around me, strong, comforting…intimate. I began to turn back to my book when I know I felt you whisper “turn towards me…all the way around…face me completely dear”.
That would have required me to move my chair, and face the fence, and my neighbor’s house. With my husband just inside the glass kitchen doors, I feared he might think I was crazy…or crazier anyways. I felt You nudge me further, so I gingerly turned while still seated and crooned my neck further in that direction. Still no comforting breeze. Hmm, I’m just going nuts, I thought, and reasoned that I was silly and over spiritualizing. Until you were more firm with me. With a gust of wind and a distinctively more firm “tone” I felt Your questions and was convicted of my own stubbornness. “Will you not turn all the way around to face me? Will you not risk so little a thing as feeling silly to feel me completely? Do you not want all of what I have for you, or are you content with just some? Are you still not ready to let Me lead instead of you just letting me a voice in the background? “
Um- whoa. Talk about an answer I didn’t wanna hear! This was just part of my conversation with our Father this weekend, but it really- REALLY, got me thinking.
How many times have I asked what his plan was? How many times have a interrupted or said “but…”?
I sat down (again) that day asking (again) which way to go, but was still afraid to fully face it. Still wanting to keep control, to keep doing things my way. I sat down wanting to still be mine instead of His. Still afraid to fully submit. Still afraid to take the risk and turn completely around.
And all at once I knew that I would never be able to fully know and live out His plan if I kept on refusing to turn completely around.
As I wrote trying to capture it all, there were mosquitoes biting me and flies buzzing around trying to distract and annoy me- so not the relaxing environment I want while I write. I was so tempted to go inside and quit…knowing full well that later would never come. How often have I stopped doing His will or His way because I was frustrated, annoyed, hurt, weak, or just plain wanted things my way and wasn’t getting it? I decided to go inside and write- afraid that I would get too distracted by the Monkeys...or let's be honest, afraid that I would get annoyed by the monkeys who were not likely to let me finish in peace. You know what happened? It wasn't perfect. They did want to talk to me. They did want second and third breakfast. But I did finish- and I was ok. I didn't matter that there wasn't complete silence, and Antonio even took care of things while I finished up. No explosions. No tantrums. While I have learned that I do need to force myself into having "me" time, I also learned that morning that I am not entitled to perfection according to me, nor am I entitled to answers I refuse to listen to & act on.
I realized that morning that I need to suck up my fears and my pride, and turn to face Him completely, or that I would continue to be a like ship blowing in the wind... with only a picture of my captain. I can love God, and still go about my business each day- choosing doing things my way. Yes, I will still see our Father in heaven- but why!...WHY!, would I not take advantage of all He has for me while I am still here? WHY!, would I not do the things He has for me that would bring me closer to him and others along the way? Fear? Pride? Stubbornness? All of the above and more- such crap reasons if I truly believe God is who He says He is. Protector, provider, comforter, creator, Father, Mother, Lover...If He is all these things and more, what exactly is it that stops me. Control. I think it is letting go of control.
What about you, what stops you?
