Jamie's recipe for increasing depression

1.      Screw with your prescription regimen. Definitely don’t take them as prescribed.  Let it expire so that you miss several doses

2.      Don’t get any exercise – wouldn’t want to accidentally fire off any of those happy endorphins! Oh and that extra weight you're putting on makes you feel super great!

3.      Don’t eat properly- definitely eat too much and absolutely eat things that you know make your system get whacked out.

4.      Drink too much, and often. Yes, it makes you feel worse the next day- but hey you’ll be numb for a little while right!

5.      Don’t tell your family how you feel.  Just let them think you are moody and ridiculous. That is far better than subjecting them to the truth right?

6.      Don’t and I mean DON’T talk to anyone about it. We wouldn’t want anyone to think you are weak or stupid, exaggerating or making it up. You certainly don’t want to hear their Christian-eese advice, or be held accountable for doing things that would relieve it. You definitely don’t want to have to say that sometimes you just don’t know why you hurt, and that you can’t articulate it like an intelligent person should…that sometimes it’s an old hurt, a new hurt, one thing, everything or nothing in particular. 

7.      Avoid prayer. God already knows what going on right, so why doesn't he wave a magic wand and make you stop being stubborn right? Besides God can’t possibly understand or comfort you. He couldn’t nearly begin to understand the devastating loneliness and dichotomy of pain and numbness that you do...right?

And there you have it. There are many recipes for sending oneself into a spiral of rock-bottom depression…but this is mine.

feet

I woke up one day. I got dressed and shuffled out the door. Weary, tired, and bored. During a seemingly insignificant moment (a meeting sandwich) I looked down at my feet in wonder.   What are these feet doing here- in these shoes? Where are they going?  Do these shiny heels draped by my uniform black slacks point to the passion that lay in my deepest parts? Does it tell the story of a lost girl turn fierce woman who battled against all odds to get here?...Only to want to go home and do anything other than this? Really would I rather clean toilets at home than go in there telling people who don’t care that they should? I wondered if my feet could tell another story…the story of one who arches her feet on to her tippy-toes so that her stature wouldn’t deafen her voice. The story of one who refused to walk in those nasty generational footsteps and fought- still fights to move forward with every breath. Her voice is loud and sharp- but does anyone see the naked ache in her soles? Does anyone see her longing to dance freely without fear- to dance freely with the God given passion that drives her forward yet sometimes drives her mad? Passion? Does anyone let their passion drive them? Does anyone hear the silent tiptoe of excitement creeping up that makes them open their weary eyes and say “today is the day!”?  And do they respond? Or do they do as I do, and shut it out, shut it down. Do they say, like I do that it is too hard or doesn’t make sense and therefore must be wrong? Does anyone else look at their feet and wonder if their feet have climbed mountains and are blessed only to feel tripped up by the hills? I looked up and took a step forward…into my reality wondering if my steps have purpose, if my words have purpose, if I am living in my purpose.

How beautiful on the mountains
    are the feet of those who bring good news,
who proclaim peace,
    who bring good tidings,
    who proclaim salvation,
who say to Zion,
    “Your God reigns!”  Isaiah 52:7 (NIV)

Father, protect Your little girls.

I was sitting in my car surrounded by beats, melody and words that passed through me without landing. I cursed the heat, though the cool air blew from the vent. I cursed the traffic caused by the men laboring to pave the road. My fatigue and anxiety were all too absorbing, until a few extra moments cast me a glance inside another’s life.

My eyes were drawn to her and I panicked. She was just little girl no older than 5, standing alone at the crosswalk of a busy street.  She stood next to grocery bags, all messy brown bob and messier face. Her eyes had a glow that only children have, yet were paired with attentiveness and obedience beyond her years.  Who would leave this little one by herself? My eyes traced herserious gaze across the street to see another pile of bags, and a grandfatherly looking man, making his way towards her. He seemed impervious to the cars around him as he walked purposefully through them.  He gathered several bags, and left her alone again. I was stricken with worry.   All along my heart raced with fear- what if she stepped out into the street? What if someone grabbed her?  How would she hurt if someone took the bags, she guarded at her side?

Grandpa at last made a final trek across the street with more bags and the little girl following closely behind him. Oh God I worried. The light changed. Would the cars wait?

Traffic inched along slowly, and little girl and grandpa began to repeat this process along the next stretch of road. Him loading up his elderly arms, and her dutifully holding post until he returned.

When he strained to pick up the last of their pile, little one picked up two bags, walking just a few steps behind. It seemed just heavy enough to weigh her, yet not too much to steal the bit of little girl sparkle in her step. This made my heart smile gratefully, though my eyes glossed, threatening a tear. Why?

Why such complex emotion over this short interlude?

I watched them in the side mirror as long as I could, straining to see her safe.

Was this a painful task they shared? Or was it a time of life lessons and bonding that they shared? It must have been inconvenient at best.  I wondered-Should I have helped them? Would they have wanted my help?

So many questions, doubts and fears.

Why does this make my heart ache? What drew my attention?

Do I feel sorry for their struggle? Do I feel guilty for my insignificant complaints?

Were my prayers for her safety and overwhelming joy unwarranted or not enough?

Hours ago and it’s still on my mind. Funny how little things can affect me so much.

Christians and Chick Fil A

Since when does politely affirming your values imply hate speech? Thank you pop-media for pouring lighter fluid on an already burning topic. Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy recently made a statement that has been sucked into the gay marriage debates. He did not say anything hateful or remotely mean. He didn't say that he didnt want gay people in his restaurants. What he did say is that he supported biblical values and the traditional marriage. What a jerk right?! Some people have said that the company supports an anti-gay agenda. This may ultimately be true but I havent seen anything but anecdotal reports that Chick Fil A Has, in the past, donated food and money to marriage seminars. See a totally inhumane thing to do right? Come on folks, the seminars supported traditional marriage values like staying together and strategies to work out your problems…and it happened to be straight couples who were in fact married. I’m sorry but unless I am missing something, supporting one thing does not equate to supporting hate of another.   Since when in America are we not allowed to have definitive views on our own personal moral values? Since when is saying that you are trying to follow biblical views a case of bullying? And before you rant that awful things have been said and done in the name of the bible, I ask you to stay on topic because that is not what happened here. This business may be large, but it is in fact a private family owned business. Should he not be allowed to operate in a manner that coincides with his beliefs?  Some are comparing it to racial segregation but again, this is just not the case here. Whether you are for or against gay marriage rights is irrelevant in this case. His principles are his own and he should not be chastised for it. And before anyone says he should have kept his comments to himself- I ask why? Does freedom of speech only apply to people who believe anything and everything should be ok? Does it only apply if the person agrees with you? I feel like this country has forgotten that we have freedom OF religion not freedom FROM religion. I feel like if you are a Christian in this country and you espouse a finite set of black and white values, that you are considered an ignorant, narrow minded, hate mongering, asshole.  I am sorry, but I do NOT think everything is ok just because it is popular in the current culture. I do not believe moral values are only culturally relevant. I am not afraid to say that I think is something is wrong- yet I am tired of being chastised for it.  On the flip side, being a Christ follower also holds a great responsibility for holding my beliefs while acting in love and humility. We have people over at our house on a very regular basis. There is every kind of somebody, all with very differing opinions on everything from religion to politics to food and wine.  Somehow though, we can have intelligent (usually) conversations and discussions without anyone feeling attacked.  Somehow we have come to an immediate agreement that it is ok to have different opinions and values and that we can express that we feel strongly about a moral issue without it being hateful. Why can this not happen anymore throughout the country who's first amendment rights guarantee the freedom of speech? How have we let differing opinions become fertile grounds for hate crime/speech accusations? I'm sorry but I feel that the media really dragged this one the wrong way and that it doesn't belong in the rights debate. Since I'm already ranting and since we are apparently already on the topic I guess I have a few more things to get off my chest. I don't have it all figured out, and honestly there are still some parts of the topic that I don't have a firm grasp of my own opinion on, but here I go for now. I have people in my life that are incredibly close to me who are gay. They know my stance. I love them...beyond words. I believe God loves them...beyond human understanding. They are my family and I support them in whatever ways I can. They know that I support civil union because I believe that in America we should offer equal rights, and equal legal and medical benefits to all people. They know that I believe that every person should have the opportunity to make their own decisions for better or worse without being chastised because that is the choice also offered by God. They know that I believe that the family unit is made up of many different parts, and that as a Gay couple raising a daughter, that there is no reason one partner should not be considered family when making decisions. They also know that from a biblical perspective I do not think that same sex partnership was God’s original plan.  This will never detract from my love for them. It can't, because neither is sex outside of the marriage union. Neither is addiction to alcohol, food and lust. Neither is an angry, bitter or prideful heart. Neither was sickness and hunger and pain in His original plan, and no one piece of brokenness is better or worse than the next. But accepting and loving a person in spite of any number of things outside of Gods will doesn't mean they are in line with God’s desire. If I am to believe the bible is true, and that God is who He says He is then I have to believe that A. same sex partnership is not His ultimate desire B. That makes it a sin (an archery term, meaning missing the mark) and C. He loves all people regardless of their sin. Including those in the gay community, including those who have addictions, including strippers, the military, bikers, tax collectors, those who are tattooed, pierced, those who are atheists, Muslim, those who go to church or not, and even me. To suggest otherwise is anslap in the face to a God who was willing to suffer for the chance to show all of those people His love. This leaves me with a great dilemma. How do I respond to the uproar? Do I keep my mouth shut?  Do I share my very complicated and (probably convoluted) opinion? It seems that either way I lose. I guess I'm really most dissapointed with the response of many Christians. It seems like we just cant seem to get it right. EitHer we are opening our mouths to tear people down or opening our mouths to appease.   I have friends who are Christians who support both sides with great haughtiness, which is very confusing to me. This is a very complicated issue. This is an issue that feels very painful to me. I am a broken person who has struggled with many sins including having been attracted to the same sex. Thankfully God has given me grace on a moment to moment basis. Though because I don't always listen, I suffer consequences. Still- He loves me. Always. No matter what. That does not mean that He loves when I do things outside His will. It just means He loves me and will never leave me alone. Ultimately I know that my eternity will be in heaven. But in this life, if I am to be inside his will, if I am to live the life He wants for me- which I have to trust is best and for His glory- I have to try to turn away from the things that I know He does not want for me...even if everyone else thinks its ok. My bible reads  “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything." (1Corinthians 6:12) Plainly-just because I can, doesn't mean I should. And, though I have the right to, anything that takes over who I am beyond God's will is probably a bad idea. Many are quoting the bible where in numerous places it talks about not casting judgment.  There are a few things I believe they have failed to consider. They type of judgment that was spoken about was more closely related to the concept of execution of punishment, not deciding if something is right or wrong. We do not have to decide if something is right or wrong. God has already done this.   We can read in John 8 that Jesus told the Pharisees on the verge of stoning the woman only to cast the first stone if they were without sin. They were exacting a harsh execution of punishment not out of love or desire to do what was right- but out of anger at Jesus. If you read closely you find that they brought her out there to trap Jesus, not because they cared about the woman’s behavior.  What has also been ignored is that Jesus- with tender, yet firm love told her to sin no more. He did not ridicule, or bully her. This is a clear example of Jesus helping a person who is in sin- loving her regardless. Saving her, in spite of herself. Shame on the Christians who do this because of their own hang-ups or lack of humility. Another thing about not "judging others" exacting judgment. Whether we like it or not, there is a huge difference between believers and non believers. And in this case I am speaking only to believers. In Matthew 18 we are given instructions on how to approach another believer who has sinned against you. This tells me a couple of things – God EXPECTS us to help correct those within the church. Notice that this instruction is for someone who sins against YOU- not sins against HIM. God is perfectly capable of (and has promised to do so)handling those that have sin against Him- and by the way all sin is really against Him since they are His rules not our own. So no fear- we will ALL answer for our junk. So for all of you supposed Christ followers who believe that shouting out obscenities and lies like that “God hates fags” or that God hates those in the military and that they are baby killers- shame on you. Shut your mouths and take the plank out of your own eye.  You will never help people know God by crushing their spirit. You are doing damage to the kingdom, not good. If you are a believer- I encourage you to study your bible. Read it- all of it-not just the convenient parts. Stand before God and everyone believing His word to be true- and stop compromising it because it makes it more palatable for you. Don’t tear down other believers who are willing to speak the truth. Don’t behave as if you support the world more than you honor God.  If you are not pointing people to God for ALL that He is then why point them to Him at all?  He is love- but he is also truth- he is also firm- and there are some things that He sees as wrong. You can be firm in the truth without being a jerk. And worse-don’t pull a bait and switch saying that everything is cool just to get them in the church doors! It isn’t our job as Christians to go around being the sin police!- But we do need to be honest about what we believe the truth to be. As you approach the other fallen people who are hurting just like you, Accept that you have an equally abominable sin and that we are all in this together. - be gentle. Be kind. Be love. These principles are timeless and not just applicable to one topic. For all of you who have been hurt by a church or a misguided Christian- I am deeply sorry. Please do not judge Christ by His followers- we are all searching for love and healing and truth the same way you are. My 2 cents. J  

Regret

I found this in my files...Maybe I'm a bad person, but I wrote this when my mom was sick I was frustrated with her.
 Regret is what happens when you
 Race through life
Are unwilling to forgive others
And yourself
Hold yourself and others to unattainable standards
Don’t say what you mean
Won’t say I’m sorry Don’t say I love you
Won’t take a chance Let your pride get in the way
Forget to take a breath
Are dying inside and can’t let it go
Are dying inside and can’t remember the good
Are dying outside and it's too late