Digging deeper

I planned my spring garden this year with hopes that using a different method (square foot) would be more efficient and fruitful. I read the manual (ok skimmed through it), made a (loose) plan and bought the stuff…and then it sat. And sat. It wasn’t until several weeks into the season- much after the time I should have, that I actually began sowing seeds. As I have said before, the planting process for me is therapeutic, but honestly there were a lot of other things going on- none so mentally time consuming as my mother’s illness. I probably should have just scrubbed the idea for the season but I am just stubborn, and I wanted it for my family, and for me. Despite my good intentions though, despite my love for the entire process with all of the sweat, the earth in my hands, the tender care and watering, despite my desire to feed my family home grown, pesticide free produce…I made A LOT of mistakes.

Adding to the internal fury is that they were mostly careless. On top of planting very late in the season, I was also careless in measuring my new soil mixture. I took little care to ensure there was enough of the most basic and important component- the compost. This is the component that has all the nutrients- the goodness for growth, and without it, not much good can be expected. Sure there was some in there- but clearly not enough. Despite sporadic human care, mostly due to my Mom’s death and the subsequent demise of my “everything’s okay facade”, I foolishly hoped that they would still produce good fruit.

The first sign of my erred thinking was found as I bit into the thick chewy skin of one tiny prophetic red tomato, grown from a lonely tomato plant in a container at my front door. It flooded my taste buds with bitter, nasty juices. It was NOT delicious. It was NOT the delicious first taste of spring I longed for. I was angry. I reasoned indignantly, that the pest control guy must have sprayed my poor tomato plant, and that of course HAD to be why my moment of garden joy was ruined. I reasoned this all week as I pouted and a week after that, and the weeks to follow that, as it produced the same offensive morsels.

Apparently I was also careless about the actual planting of the seeds, because next sign was the appearance of some very suspicious squash vines. Sure I had planted some squash, but not in the same square as the tomatoes, corn and basil!…And I certainly did not plant them in the front yard! They popped up everywhere!...And definitely not just where I expected them. They grew fast, sneaking up and reaching out with their grabby little vines exploiting both the stronger and more vulnerable plants around them- even if it meant weighing down and choking the life out of them. They even sprouted up in places where it was to their detriment.

It occurred to me that this shared a likeness to how sin grows. Careless preparation, thoughtless sowing and inconsistent care will almost always produce bitter fruit- or no fruit at all. That is exactly what happened- the two 3x6 vegetable beds that I worked in, planting about ten different varieties in, wasted sweat over; produced not one single fruit (or vegetable). This of course, was the final sign. And the final straw-something had to be changed. In a garden, especially in hot areas like Texas, with long growing seasons, combating diseased plants must always be purposeful, considerate and with love. My own diseased attitudes, broken heart and failed efforts to grow (in detrimental or futile areas) are a definite red flag that my efforts have been less than prepared, less than purposeful, and less than in line with God’s trade winds. Nothing can take away His love and the work He did…But careless sowing, lazy relationship building, inattentive- or worse- obstinate disregard for His direction, all lead to weakness, heartache and fruitless lives. I never truly understood how it all worked together and how “bearing good fruit”-or bad played out, until a few good squash plants went astray, and a season’s worth of “good” effort was without result.

In the deadening, Texas summer heat, with little rain, and less nourishment, the results of effort have become diseased and begun to wilt. The lovely plants, which had stretched themselves upward towards their maker, began to look defeated; a lot more like their sower. In some cases you can nurse plants back to life, cutting away the diseased bits, adding care and the goodness of needed nutrients back to the soil. Other times however, you have to dig. Though I thought I had dug deep enough before, and mixed in the right amounts of goodness. It seems it will be necessary to pull some plants out by the roots, dig deeper, turn over the earth, replace nutrients and try something new. Doing this in a garden is hard but certainly not life-threatening. In life this is painful and positively frightening. It may require more strength and stamina than you (I) think you (I) have. If I learned anything, it’s that if I want to live out the fruits of daily peace, hope, joy, and have the gift of relationship, then going back to basics is a must. In a nutshell (or pea-pod?) here’s my list of basics:
1. Read the manual.
2. Follow the manual…Pursue the maker…with love and reverence.
3. Pause-breath-talk-listen-breath-pause-go.
4. Keep at it…But! Don’t go it alone.

Now that I think about it, maybe all that sweat wasn’t wasted.

Preparing for battle- Thoughts on Ephesians 6:10-18

I’ve been so angry at the idea of allowing all of the grotesque yuck of my life come back to battle me like some boxer turned MMA fighter. I have been angry because I was “ok” (relatively speaking) and now I am not. Feeling like you have been through the battle of middle earth only to realize you have an entire other mountain to climb is disconcerting at best. It is no wonder that God tells us to constantly be on guard and ready for battle! He knew it would be no cake walk. But, until recently I just didn’t get it –the whole putting on of God’s armor thing! This idea was very illusive. I sort of equated it with being prepared for battle against the obvious temptations and problems, but missed the “preparation” part, which means doing work ahead of time. This idea is so obvious and applies to darn near everything…yet I missed it. Going to school is one way to prepare for later fruits, and most gardeners know that there is going to be a lot of work in the front to get to the good crops at the end. Even in the IT security field (where I work undercover), you can’t just “know” something is a safe idea, you have to research, analyze, implement…and revisit on a regular basis! It’s an evolving, on-going process. So just like lackadaisical preparation for anything else in life, careless daily living can cause unnecessary frustration and worse-a feeling of brokenness, even if you have succeeded in the past. SO what does “putting on the armor of God” mean to me now? In a nutshell it means: Getting to the truth about who God is, who you are (who I am) and whose you are (whose I am) is crucial. Being honest about where your (my) head and actions are- living righteously so that the people of this world don’t need the Christ-tinted glasses that God wears, and so the yuck-tinted glasses they do wear, can be wiped clean to see Christ on earth. I can’t even begin to count how many times something has being fixed or created in my house without reading the instructions. And when a certain loved one in my household “fixes things” there are always “extra parts”. Well those extra parts often add to the strength of whatever they belong to! I just want to scream sometimes “read the damn manual”! Yes, I know- I still have recovery issues ;). I have to wonder though, if God doesn’t want to scream at us too; when we are spinning our wheels, looking for guidance everywhere except the manual. Gaining council from others can be very helpful, and is certainly biblical, but…without reading the words and gaining guidance from the source- I think we are missing a few of those strengthening parts. Believing the truth of what Christ’s work did guarantees your salvation…what happens through eternity…what happens AFTER we leave this place. But to live a life while I am here, with peace, joy and purpose…that takes relationship. In the grandest sense, we have some form of relationship with every person we come in contact with. But it is only those relationships that we put effort into that develops, strengthens, and grows in intimacy and trust. It is the same with God as it is with a spouse or friend in that if I’m not spending time, talking and listening, respecting and loving- I will have a very weak relationship. If I haven’t taken the time to know God’s voice or if I am just not listening & obeying the spirit, how can I know which steps to take to where He wants me to be? It we who need to pursue God each day, picking up the tools (or armor) that He provides, so that when the lies of darkness grab at us, choking and weighing us down, bringing us to the limits of ourselves we, are prepared and able to hold God’s hand in faith, with supernatural peace.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't still angry. I still don't really want to look back through the mud I have walked through, for fear of the ugly footprints it will create. I do know that as I have learned this lesson about armor over the past few weeks, that if I say I believe God for who He says He is, then I have to trust Him. I have to trust that He will equip me with the tools I need to get through it. I have to listen, and be willing to obey, and be willing to accept help.