Serving You

I want to
Put my hands around your face and
Listen to you speak
Weep with you and
Be stronger when you’re weak
I want to
Stand in the gap for you and
Embrace you tight
Help set you free and
Give you a reason to fight
I want to
Feed your body and
Feed your soul
Understand you and
Make you whole
I want to
Take our time and
Let worries rest
Feel you living and
Know you best

Who do they say I am...Who do you say I am...Part 3

Some kids dream of being an astronaut or a ballerina. Maybe it’s because of the dysfunction I grew up in, but I never really dreamed of “being” anything. It’s not that I was unmotivated or apathetic. I just couldn’t think past the haze of trauma. The exception to that was being a mom- I knew I wanted that...I always knew. I wanted someone to love and be loved by… unconditionally. Never mind that I was nearly devoid of parenting skills. But in His mercy- God gave me just enough. (He’s good about that!) I had my daughter younger than I would recommend (18)- but to be perfectly honest I think in some ways she saved me from myself. She gave me something to focus on, someone to love and be loved by, someone to motivate me when I was exhausted. In hindsight that is a lot for one little girl to bear! Fortunately she is turning out amazing despite the teenage angst- both my former and her current. Now with three more children there is so much more..more fun, more love, more broken “things” in my house. We fuss and fight but we also love and grow…we don’t have it all together but there is love. In Colossians 3:21 Paul warned parents saying “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”…boy do I fail a lot there! Most parents kind of go into parenting with the mantra of giving more than they had and so I am constantly concerned about how I’m doing. I tell them (not really joking) that I know I am one of the reasons they will be in recovery counseling some day. I’m just thankful that exists lol! I ask God why oh why they have to pick up on my bad traits!!! I have struggled with a lot of things that I wish would just go away instead of propagating. It can be a challenge to find balance between being the authority and a guide. I want my kids to understand my love, my desire to give them more, my desire to help them become productive, loving members of this world… Good husband and wives, father and mothers, workers, friends, Christ followers and leaders to Christ. I want them to respect authority and yet know that they have a lot to offer, that their opinions and thoughts are respected and desired…that they don’t have to (and shouldn’t!) always go with the status quo, and that just because it is the norm doesn’t mean it’s ok, right, or the right path for them. I want them to fight- for themselves, for others, for what’s right…for the sake of love. To love others and themselves for who they are. To dream.
I guess that’s part of the journey through this fallen world we live in. Thankfully I have friends who remind me that I am doing my best, and that I can trust God to do the rest…I really hate cliche Christian sayings but that one kinda takes some of the pressure off. I am thankful for those same close friends who have seen me being a real ass- yelling at my kids…and still love me. No, I don’t have it all together, yes, I yell at my kids, yes sometimes I am out of line, yes I make bad calls, yes I forget to sign the 56th school document that says they can do “X”, yes I forget to pack a lunch for the field trip, yes I spanked the wrong kid, yes I called my son the dogs name, yes I lament my failures and forget to recognize the wins…yes. Learning, letting go, loving, moving forward, and learning to dream…How about you?

Who do they say I am…Who do you say I am? Part 2

He wept for us… I imagine He ached for us. A gut wrenching doubled over weeping kind of pain. Why else would He come down, give up His role as King to become a servant. Unrecognized and spat upon...completely humbled. Jesus likely felt no physical pain, seated on his throne next to God. And yet he chose to experience it. Despite the pain that we caused ourselves –He bore it. He knew the role He had to play and accepted it. Embraced it even. The toughest role EVER! And I wonder why then, I have such a hard time in my roles sometimes. If He was willing to do that, why can’t I seem to get my act together? Do you embrace all the roles you play? Or, are you apathetic …do you rebel? (And by YOU I mean ME)

In thinking about this I tried to consider all the roles I play thinking it was some long list…at least that’s how it feels sometimes. But in the end I came up with these few: Woman. New Testament church. (Don’t just go to church…BE THE CHURCH!) Wife. Mother. Daughter. Friend. Co-worker…I guess I could add blogger now? I think there are lots and lots of sub-categories within these roles, and that there is even a separate thought towards being both a leader and follower in each …yes my lists usually do have lists…Don’t Judge Me!
What is on your list? How do you prioritize…your roles, relationships, tasks etc?
Further down that (primrose?)path I began to consider this: Of all the roles you play- which one most displays the real you? Perhaps in some way it’s all of them? Some people would tell you that they are the same no matter who they are talking to, but I throw the BS flag on that. You may have the same general personality but if we are completely honest, the face we show publicly-to co-workers, acquaintances, and even friends is not the same one we show privately to those closest to us, to ourselves, and to God. I wonder why we aren’t honest with everyone. Is it fear…of judgment or maybe rejection? Is it to protect others? In my job we talk about “Barriers”. Barriers to learning, to communication, to sharing information and resources etc. We know that some barriers are legitimate while others are perceived. What stops you from being “real” all the time? I guess I have more questions right now then eloquent answers…more to come.

I'm not nuts...just a little mad.

Sorry, this isn’t part 2. This is a rant- an I’m tired and grouchy and grumpy and in a funk rant. Read no further if that’s just too self indulgent of me. Keep reading if you’ll admit to equally self indulgent days.
How many ways can I express that it is hard to stop cursing? Why is this SO HARD? I am not uneducated, nor am I unable to say “Boy that makes me upset” but sheesh, sometimes the only word is…eff. Capitol eff. Capitol eff with 3 exclamation marks. There I said it. Sort of. Ok, ok, I am being melodramatic. Why am I so pissed?...eff I don’t know. I piss myself off- contradicting my own beliefs thoughts, and words. They piss me off…In fact YOU are probably pissing me off right now! Lol ok maybe not YOU…but someone like you. For all my love and intended eloquence, that’s all I can think to say or feel for that matter. Eff. No way out from the swirling thoughts in my mind- no disappearing or ignoring myself and so I’m left with…eff.
Thank you… And have a good night.

Who do they say I am…Who do you say I am? Part 1

Most people know me as being brutally honest. A friend commented on FB yesterday when I spoke about being gentle with actions and words towards others “You have never been gentle but that's why I love ya! You tell it how it is while others tell it how it might be.” I love this guy- A true friend who has known me for years. (Prayers for him please by the way as he is deployed!) But honestly –A book I read a few months ago (“Grace based parenting”) got me really thinking about my approach to honesty. It spoke of tempering honesty with love…being candid instead of “brutal” This is really tough to learn (and unlearn), but I believe worth the effort, and I have been working on this in earnest. Continuing down the thought process of his comment and a few others lately, plus reading in Luke- I began thinking about the different perceptions people have of us and the roles we play. How others see us, how we see ourselves and how God sees us are all very different.

Who do they say I am…Who do you say I am? Luke 9:18… 9:20

While I know God’s view is the ultimate truth- I think there is a truth in the other two as well. I don’t know exactly what Jesus thought of Himself- but clearly He knew He had authority to speak, forgive, and heal on behalf of the Father. The Father said Himself that He was pleased with Him, and yet others were confused. Opinions of Him ranged from being the Christ, to being a worthless criminal worthy only of torture and death…talk about mixed opinions! If Jesus had this struggle, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that we do too.
A few examples for me are- Co-workers and acquaintances sometimes see a rough, and sometimes harsh person, but I know that I just have rough edges caused by years of abuse and misguidance, and that untold numbers of those edges have been smoothed over. Some see me as brave or strong, yet many days I feel broken and afraid. God tells me that His grace and power are enough, and that I need not be afraid. When I feel ugly, filthy and worthless- He tells me I am His beautiful princess with great worth, and that He will use me for greatness if I let Him…. Wow- what a disconnect huh!
Maybe you and I can spend some time looking at who we really are. Together over the next few days / weeks maybe you and I can discover the roles we hold, and see if there is a disconnect between who “they” say we are, who we say we are, and who He says we are. Just a thought…
I may get a bit confusing as I go between the ideas of “perceptions” and “roles” but please bear with me! If I took the time to separate all this out it would months before I posted again!!!
So think about it: Who are you really? Publicly…Privately…Internally…to God?

Life is like...a garden

A few weeks ago realized that sometimes my life (and maybe yours?) is a lot like a garden.
With great enthusiasm I began my vegetable garden this spring. Plotting and building, mixing soil and digging. I tend to get really ramped up with things initially, pouring much love and sweat into it. I love a lot of things so unfortunately I often bite off more than I can chew and become overwhelmed. It seems simple enough. You plant a seed, and become excited when the first tender shoots push through the dirt. For the first few weeks you check for growth everyday in hopes of finding the first signs of fruit. But then when the novelty wears off and the rest of your life needs attention- your attention drifts, and you become complacent. It’s kind of like building relationships. You make a connection, give bits of yourself, and hope it will blossom. In the garden you water faithfully…ok you water when you have time and… hope for the best.
The vines began to reach out to each other intertwining, allowing the weight of each to be borne by all in the community. It’s really a beautiful picture of how God must have envisioned life for us. Each bearing the weight of another, growing together in strength and love. Unfortunately like us, tomato plants must be pruned and guided or the will go where they please, becoming a matted mess and overshadowing other plants in the garden- blocking out the warmth and God’s eye view. This happens to me a lot in life- I leave things unchecked. A hurtful comment left in my heart to dig at me. An annoyance left festering, just waiting (ok begging) for an explosion. Unforgiveness or other sin left unrepentant can grow and morph- causing distance from God, causing bitterness towards myself or others, and can even grow from a single sin into a negative pattern and then a stronghold that overshadows all the good things in my life.
With fear and a tinge of bitterness I realized I had to cut some of the branches from my tomato plants. I had not payed attention to the quickly interweaving vines, and as predicted-after only a few days and weeks it was out of control. I began evaluating which were the strongly rooted ones. Which ones had the most fruit. And finally which ones were not carrying their load. Going to work with my clippers and knife I cut through all of the offending branches, knowing that in some cases the good branches would become victim. For days after the pruning my plants looked sad. Limbs browned and seemed to curl up holding to themselves.
This is the fear we have ourselves sometimes isn’t it? We know there are people, behaviors or attitudes we need to get rid of, but we fear the pain. We feel like we can’t bear the change or the damage. We are afraid to risk people seeing deeper and more clearly into our lives when we clear out the unnecessary brush.
So many times we wait. We wait until the pain is simply unbearable! There is a saying that people will only change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing…sheesh…no kidding!
The bible talks about knowing those that are true or false by the fruit that they bear. It talks about cutting off limbs that do not bear fruit. Interesting no?
It takes time to heal after trauma- even if it is for your benefit. In the end it is still better to do it. After a week or so my plants began to recover. They gently reached toward the sun, turning a much brighter shade of green. To my surprise- when the tomatoes came in again they were much sweeter and more prolific than before!


"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." ~Anatole France