Details

I want you to know something. I have been thinking about you...yes YOU. I've been thinking about how you think. More specifically what you think- about who God is, and who you are to Him. Do you think that God cares about you? Do you think you matter to him? Let’s dig a little deeper- do you think He cares about the seemingly insignificant things in your life? What about the little things that that bring you joy, or pain, triumph or defeat. Lets be honest, do you think that GOD is really just out there floating around like some overwhelmed and defeated dictator that has lost count of his creations, or worse that He is indifferent? Or is He really an intimately acquainted craftsman who cares about the seemingly little things, like football games, and failed recipes? Like achieved goals and tough emotions. I believe the answer He cares about each detail, but perhaps it's not in the same way that we care. Maybe it is not in the outcome of the game, but instead in the outcome of each person’s heart. I overheard a conversation the other day that rolled around in my head for more than a few breaths. The snidely executed comments not only questioned whether God could be bothered by a football game, but further implied that “Tebowing” (the act of taking a knee in reverence to God after a play, which is named after Denver Broncos Quarterback Tim Tebow)is both ridiculous and showing off. With all of the foul mouth comments and pelvic thrusting we often see- I can see how this would be offensive...um, not. Some people don't have a problem with it,and maybe it's not that big a deal, but more times than I care to admit have I have heard people assume that whatever they were thinking, going through or wondering about- was not significant enough to talk to or thank God about. PEOPLE! Why have we assumed that He does not care about these things? I believe He cares about every outcome of every game, every movement resulting in an injury or strength and every labored breath. I believe that every desire and struggle is known by God, and that it matters. You matter. Perhaps it’s not why it matters to you though. It isn’t because of the stats or records that might be made, but instead in the story of each person who lives it, and in the story of how they might glorify their maker. If you recall Newton’s third law of physics, you know that for every action there is a reaction.(Yes I know there's more to it, but run with me for a minute) This includes breath, struggle, thoughts, choices, and even footballs games. That being the case- every action matters! But He is so much greater that it isn't just what we do that matters, but what we are. It says in Luke 12:7 , that God “knows the number of hairs on our head”. Friend these fall out without us even our noticing- But He does. It says in Mark 6:26 he cares for the birds in the sky enough to prepare food, water and shelter for them. He has even thought to “clothe the flowers” (as said in Mat 6:28) in such a glorious ways… how much more for you? Why? Because He is a God of details. If He dresses the Cherry blossom with such majesty, only for its beauty to fade in a week…if He cares enough to count every hair on your head, to clothe and feed every “insignificant” thing on this earth…these seemingly unimportant things, then how much more do the successes, failures and ensuing stories of the beings created in His image matter? Each story is of such great value. Every hurt, fear and failure; every joy, desire and success is interlaced with His purpose, plan and glory. He is a GOD that brings a desperate but still wistful girl, a treasured gift baby doll to care for, from a stranger, thousands of miles away. He is a God that provides a stranger with kind words to an aching heart. He is a God that gives you a dream and provides what is needed to fulfill it. He cares for each of these details not just because it makes you feel better, but because there is a greater plan who’s plot and characters are intricately interwoven at the most intimate and delicately minuscule levels. This why each action; each word that is uttered is so important. His caring and consideration is never changing, but instead It is us who must choose whether or not to give him the credit for the good that will eventually come…regardless of the immediate outcome. It is us who must choose to thank Him for every joyful moment, as well as the growth that comes from every difficult one. If God cares enough to create my body in such a way as to give me each and every breath- then I thank Him for each breath, and every second, and everything as well. God doesn't want you to come with only "the big stuff" - that's like only ever speaking to your Mom or Dad when you get a thrown in jail! Or only having a conversation with your spouse when the bills will get paid. Relationships CAN'T thrive like that. God wants a relationship, not just convenient co-dependance. He wants a conversation, an intimate exchange of talking and listening. He wants to hear and help you with each and every detail. But like when my own kids want something that I know they want, but are unwilling to ask or listen, God waits. He waits for us to ask, seek, rely, be brave enough to submit. Even in this (sometimes frustrating) action, we are growing and being built up for better. Every lesson, every touchdown, every breath...matters.

Turning all the way around

An entry from my journal...

I sat down at my back porch, hoping to have a precious few moments alone, quiet, and still. I hoped for time with You Father. I began to ask for your purpose; your plan for me, something that has eluded me for some time. You greeted me with a whispered breeze across my neck. I turned my head to feel you against my face, only to be disappointed by the sudden stop. I longed to feel the wind against my face, and Your presence all around me, strong, comforting…intimate. I began to turn back to my book when I know I felt you whisper “turn towards me…all the way around…face me completely dear”.
That would have required me to move my chair, and face the fence, and my neighbor’s house. With my husband just inside the glass kitchen doors, I feared he might think I was crazy…or crazier anyways. I felt You nudge me further, so I gingerly turned while still seated and crooned my neck further in that direction. Still no comforting breeze. Hmm, I’m just going nuts, I thought, and reasoned that I was silly and over spiritualizing. Until you were more firm with me. With a gust of wind and a distinctively more firm “tone” I felt Your questions and was convicted of my own stubbornness. “Will you not turn all the way around to face me? Will you not risk so little a thing as feeling silly to feel me completely? Do you not want all of what I have for you, or are you content with just some? Are you still not ready to let Me lead instead of you just letting me a voice in the background? “
Um- whoa. Talk about an answer I didn’t wanna hear! This was just part of my conversation with our Father this weekend, but it really- REALLY, got me thinking.
How many times have I asked what his plan was? How many times have a interrupted or said “but…”?
I sat down (again) that day asking (again) which way to go, but was still afraid to fully face it. Still wanting to keep control, to keep doing things my way. I sat down wanting to still be mine instead of His. Still afraid to fully submit. Still afraid to take the risk and turn completely around.
And all at once I knew that I would never be able to fully know and live out His plan if I kept on refusing to turn completely around.
As I wrote trying to capture it all, there were mosquitoes biting me and flies buzzing around trying to distract and annoy me- so not the relaxing environment I want while I write. I was so tempted to go inside and quit…knowing full well that later would never come. How often have I stopped doing His will or His way because I was frustrated, annoyed, hurt, weak, or just plain wanted things my way and wasn’t getting it? I decided to go inside and write- afraid that I would get too distracted by the Monkeys...or let's be honest, afraid that I would get annoyed by the monkeys who were not likely to let me finish in peace. You know what happened? It wasn't perfect. They did want to talk to me. They did want second and third breakfast. But I did finish- and I was ok. I didn't matter that there wasn't complete silence, and Antonio even took care of things while I finished up. No explosions. No tantrums. While I have learned that I do need to force myself into having "me" time, I also learned that morning that I am not entitled to perfection according to me, nor am I entitled to answers I refuse to listen to & act on.
I realized that morning that I need to suck up my fears and my pride, and turn to face Him completely, or that I would continue to be a like ship blowing in the wind... with only a picture of my captain. I can love God, and still go about my business each day- choosing doing things my way. Yes, I will still see our Father in heaven- but why!...WHY!, would I not take advantage of all He has for me while I am still here? WHY!, would I not do the things He has for me that would bring me closer to him and others along the way? Fear? Pride? Stubbornness? All of the above and more- such crap reasons if I truly believe God is who He says He is. Protector, provider, comforter, creator, Father, Mother, Lover...If He is all these things and more, what exactly is it that stops me. Control. I think it is letting go of control.
What about you, what stops you?

Digging deeper

I planned my spring garden this year with hopes that using a different method (square foot) would be more efficient and fruitful. I read the manual (ok skimmed through it), made a (loose) plan and bought the stuff…and then it sat. And sat. It wasn’t until several weeks into the season- much after the time I should have, that I actually began sowing seeds. As I have said before, the planting process for me is therapeutic, but honestly there were a lot of other things going on- none so mentally time consuming as my mother’s illness. I probably should have just scrubbed the idea for the season but I am just stubborn, and I wanted it for my family, and for me. Despite my good intentions though, despite my love for the entire process with all of the sweat, the earth in my hands, the tender care and watering, despite my desire to feed my family home grown, pesticide free produce…I made A LOT of mistakes.

Adding to the internal fury is that they were mostly careless. On top of planting very late in the season, I was also careless in measuring my new soil mixture. I took little care to ensure there was enough of the most basic and important component- the compost. This is the component that has all the nutrients- the goodness for growth, and without it, not much good can be expected. Sure there was some in there- but clearly not enough. Despite sporadic human care, mostly due to my Mom’s death and the subsequent demise of my “everything’s okay facade”, I foolishly hoped that they would still produce good fruit.

The first sign of my erred thinking was found as I bit into the thick chewy skin of one tiny prophetic red tomato, grown from a lonely tomato plant in a container at my front door. It flooded my taste buds with bitter, nasty juices. It was NOT delicious. It was NOT the delicious first taste of spring I longed for. I was angry. I reasoned indignantly, that the pest control guy must have sprayed my poor tomato plant, and that of course HAD to be why my moment of garden joy was ruined. I reasoned this all week as I pouted and a week after that, and the weeks to follow that, as it produced the same offensive morsels.

Apparently I was also careless about the actual planting of the seeds, because next sign was the appearance of some very suspicious squash vines. Sure I had planted some squash, but not in the same square as the tomatoes, corn and basil!…And I certainly did not plant them in the front yard! They popped up everywhere!...And definitely not just where I expected them. They grew fast, sneaking up and reaching out with their grabby little vines exploiting both the stronger and more vulnerable plants around them- even if it meant weighing down and choking the life out of them. They even sprouted up in places where it was to their detriment.

It occurred to me that this shared a likeness to how sin grows. Careless preparation, thoughtless sowing and inconsistent care will almost always produce bitter fruit- or no fruit at all. That is exactly what happened- the two 3x6 vegetable beds that I worked in, planting about ten different varieties in, wasted sweat over; produced not one single fruit (or vegetable). This of course, was the final sign. And the final straw-something had to be changed. In a garden, especially in hot areas like Texas, with long growing seasons, combating diseased plants must always be purposeful, considerate and with love. My own diseased attitudes, broken heart and failed efforts to grow (in detrimental or futile areas) are a definite red flag that my efforts have been less than prepared, less than purposeful, and less than in line with God’s trade winds. Nothing can take away His love and the work He did…But careless sowing, lazy relationship building, inattentive- or worse- obstinate disregard for His direction, all lead to weakness, heartache and fruitless lives. I never truly understood how it all worked together and how “bearing good fruit”-or bad played out, until a few good squash plants went astray, and a season’s worth of “good” effort was without result.

In the deadening, Texas summer heat, with little rain, and less nourishment, the results of effort have become diseased and begun to wilt. The lovely plants, which had stretched themselves upward towards their maker, began to look defeated; a lot more like their sower. In some cases you can nurse plants back to life, cutting away the diseased bits, adding care and the goodness of needed nutrients back to the soil. Other times however, you have to dig. Though I thought I had dug deep enough before, and mixed in the right amounts of goodness. It seems it will be necessary to pull some plants out by the roots, dig deeper, turn over the earth, replace nutrients and try something new. Doing this in a garden is hard but certainly not life-threatening. In life this is painful and positively frightening. It may require more strength and stamina than you (I) think you (I) have. If I learned anything, it’s that if I want to live out the fruits of daily peace, hope, joy, and have the gift of relationship, then going back to basics is a must. In a nutshell (or pea-pod?) here’s my list of basics:
1. Read the manual.
2. Follow the manual…Pursue the maker…with love and reverence.
3. Pause-breath-talk-listen-breath-pause-go.
4. Keep at it…But! Don’t go it alone.

Now that I think about it, maybe all that sweat wasn’t wasted.

Preparing for battle- Thoughts on Ephesians 6:10-18

I’ve been so angry at the idea of allowing all of the grotesque yuck of my life come back to battle me like some boxer turned MMA fighter. I have been angry because I was “ok” (relatively speaking) and now I am not. Feeling like you have been through the battle of middle earth only to realize you have an entire other mountain to climb is disconcerting at best. It is no wonder that God tells us to constantly be on guard and ready for battle! He knew it would be no cake walk. But, until recently I just didn’t get it –the whole putting on of God’s armor thing! This idea was very illusive. I sort of equated it with being prepared for battle against the obvious temptations and problems, but missed the “preparation” part, which means doing work ahead of time. This idea is so obvious and applies to darn near everything…yet I missed it. Going to school is one way to prepare for later fruits, and most gardeners know that there is going to be a lot of work in the front to get to the good crops at the end. Even in the IT security field (where I work undercover), you can’t just “know” something is a safe idea, you have to research, analyze, implement…and revisit on a regular basis! It’s an evolving, on-going process. So just like lackadaisical preparation for anything else in life, careless daily living can cause unnecessary frustration and worse-a feeling of brokenness, even if you have succeeded in the past. SO what does “putting on the armor of God” mean to me now? In a nutshell it means: Getting to the truth about who God is, who you are (who I am) and whose you are (whose I am) is crucial. Being honest about where your (my) head and actions are- living righteously so that the people of this world don’t need the Christ-tinted glasses that God wears, and so the yuck-tinted glasses they do wear, can be wiped clean to see Christ on earth. I can’t even begin to count how many times something has being fixed or created in my house without reading the instructions. And when a certain loved one in my household “fixes things” there are always “extra parts”. Well those extra parts often add to the strength of whatever they belong to! I just want to scream sometimes “read the damn manual”! Yes, I know- I still have recovery issues ;). I have to wonder though, if God doesn’t want to scream at us too; when we are spinning our wheels, looking for guidance everywhere except the manual. Gaining council from others can be very helpful, and is certainly biblical, but…without reading the words and gaining guidance from the source- I think we are missing a few of those strengthening parts. Believing the truth of what Christ’s work did guarantees your salvation…what happens through eternity…what happens AFTER we leave this place. But to live a life while I am here, with peace, joy and purpose…that takes relationship. In the grandest sense, we have some form of relationship with every person we come in contact with. But it is only those relationships that we put effort into that develops, strengthens, and grows in intimacy and trust. It is the same with God as it is with a spouse or friend in that if I’m not spending time, talking and listening, respecting and loving- I will have a very weak relationship. If I haven’t taken the time to know God’s voice or if I am just not listening & obeying the spirit, how can I know which steps to take to where He wants me to be? It we who need to pursue God each day, picking up the tools (or armor) that He provides, so that when the lies of darkness grab at us, choking and weighing us down, bringing us to the limits of ourselves we, are prepared and able to hold God’s hand in faith, with supernatural peace.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't still angry. I still don't really want to look back through the mud I have walked through, for fear of the ugly footprints it will create. I do know that as I have learned this lesson about armor over the past few weeks, that if I say I believe God for who He says He is, then I have to trust Him. I have to trust that He will equip me with the tools I need to get through it. I have to listen, and be willing to obey, and be willing to accept help.

Ogres are like onions

I’ve been silent since Good Friday. It’s not that I have nothing to say- but the flooding of emotions since my Mom’s death two days later has been shocking, overwhelming and a lot like getting caught outside during a typhoon. You know it’s coming, but the sheer force and chaos is astounding. When the eye of a storm passes over it is calm yet eerie. You hope that the peace will last- until the rain pours down sideways from three different directions and most of your yard is down the street. Most people who live on islands in the Pacific get used to this. We prepare, respond and move on. Having survived on a diet of consistent trauma most of my life, I thought I was prepared. You learn how to brace yourself, protect, respond and move on. Being confident about my mother’s afterlife, I was joyful. Being at ease because the physical and mental pain, and lifetime of struggle would end, I breathed a sigh of relief. But nothing—NOTHING-- can make you feel better about missing the physical presence of a person you love. Despite all of the heartache – despite all of the reverse parenting, despite all of the crap, my Mom loved me…and I miss her. This pain was so unexpected I tried to convince my husband that I didn’t need him to come home from his job half way around the world. It was so unexpected that I actually thought I would go right back to work and feel ok. I was so convinced that my rational, educated, God loving mind could “handle” it, that the 2 foot waves shock, frustrate and anger me, just as much as the 30 foot ones. Father forgive me, because I believe I have been prideful.

“Ogres are like onions.” And so is recovery. I spent a good 9 months or so in a Christ-centered recovery program that gave me some much needed tools to deal with all the junk that damaged me throughout my life. This process had a profound and life altering affect on me (and the people who put up with me on a regular basis). Notice I said tools and process - not a magic bullet. God being the tender Father and gentle counselor that He is- does not force you to deal with all of that junk at once. My head has always known that I dealt with a precious few; albeit very thick layers of junk on my heart, and that there was more work to be done. My heart however, did not expect how abruptly the next phase would hit, and the voracity in which the implications would consume me. I find myself reeling at the stink as these layers are peeled away- the anger, disappointment and ache for a childhood in a different reality where abuse, neglect and mental illness are part of some sad lifetime made-for-TV movie. The reality is that this was my reality. The reality is that my Mom’s death brought to life, in HD clarity, memories and emotions accompanied by pain- like a wound whose scars have yet to fully form being ripped open at the scab. I know it is for me good, and that deeper healing will provide greater freedom. I know that these lessons will serve me, and those I hope to serve later. But right now- peeling the onion sucks pretty hard.

You hear stories about people who face death either directly or indirectly. You hear about getting a new “lease on life”; a new perspective. When faced with death and realizing my own mortality I began to question every piece of my life, and wonder if any of it even matters. I began to ask questions like: Am I wasting time? Does what I do matter…in my home…work…etc? Am I making a difference in this world?...In the lives of my children, my spouse, my family and friends? How about my co-workers, my community, or other people who are hurting? Am I just going through the motions…just existing? I feel like I am at a crossroad and don’t know which direction is right…like I am frozen. In addition to my Mom’s death, there have been so many big and life altering events that I am really pretty bemused. The completion of my degree for example, poses a myriad of emotions and questions-but none so entertaining as what an IT Security professional with a well paid job and respectable career does with a Biblical counseling degree. The convicting words of trust, obedience and purpose flow through me even as I type, but boy is this tough. Before the comments come through- know I need to pause, pray, listen and not move on the basis of emotion alone. Of course my hyper-busy, goal oriented, list making mind doesn’t find a meal of calm patience super appetizing—and I am pretty hungry. On the island we used to have a “typhoon party” after the rain and winds had died down. We would cook all of the food in the freezer since the power would be out for an undetermined and often lengthy amount of time. We would share it with our neighbors- but more importantly we would share grief for the terror and losses, and joy for the lives we still had. Soon after, the clean-up would begin, we picked at the debris, and life would go back to normal…until the inevitable “next time”. I guess that’s where I am right now…somewhere between sharing my grief and sorting through debris.

A letter of thanks to my Daddy.

On this day father, you did the unthinkable. You did what wasn’t fair. You did what I didn’t deserve.
On this day father, you did what I could not…what no one could.
On this day you went through an illegal trial. You were brutally beaten. You paid a price too high for me to
pay. You gave your life for mine. You forgave when I wouldn’t. You showed love when I couldn’t.
On this day you became the Daddy I would never have on earth. You gave me strength beyond my own.
You counseled me when I was weak. You let me know that I would never, ever, be alone.
Though I feel Your spirit stirring in me, loving me, guiding me…there are days that I do not. Yet You have placed people in my life to be your hands to hold, arms to hug, shoulders to cry on, feet to keep me moving, voice to comfort and motivate, your ears to listen as I vent, rant, and weep.
Though today is one the hardest days I have known, I know that I am not alone. I know that this trial is not forever, but that your love and care is.
Thank you Father, that it is not what I have said or done. Thank you that it is not because of who I am. Instead it is because of who You are, and what You have done.
Thank you Daddy, for Your inconceivable grace and love.
On this day Father you didn’t do what was fair, but You did what was good.

Your daughter,
Jamie

Three “R’s”

First “R”- Resolution…the thought of it makes me feel like…well, ick! This year I decided not to make resolutions…or rather I was not going to make a list in my notebook that I would never see again except when looking for my shopping list. I wasn’t going to let everyone know I want to lose thirty+ pounds and that I needed cheering on. I was just gonna do it. But I know that without concrete goals I will fail so I made a mental list that went something like this: I knew the first of the year, or rather the first Monday of the year I would get back on the “healthy” bandwagon. Read- lose weight, work on fitting into my cute clothes, feed my family only…ok mostly, the things on my clean eating goal sheet, and so on. And this year I was really going to spend more God time. And that this is definitely going to be the year Antonio and I “really” hunker down and work on our budget and debt. And this is the year that I am going to get my house organized, and so on and so on. I started to feel defeated.
The labels failure, fat, hypocrite and so on started to flow like lava turning into tar. I felt stuck before I even began! I felt like I had tried and failed in the past and that I didn’t really know how to “fix” it as is my way. Well remember that definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Well I decided that I refuse to keep on riding the crazy bus. I needed a different approach!

Second “R” – Revolution…Huh? We aren’t talking world peace or rocket science right? Just eat a few less cookies and buy a few less shoes, think more positive thoughts? So why revolution? Let me honest. I love my church…but this past year for various reasons (excuses) I didn’t spend a whole lot of time there. Boy can that just weaken this girl! (That conversation is for another day.) I knew I needed some strength and some inspiration but when I showed up to church this past Sunday and the talk was on…you guessed it: New Year’s resolutions… I didn’t know whether to be excited or put off by more resolution talk. Well Pastor Corey flipped the script on us, essentially tossing out the idea of resolutions which he defined (roughly from memory) as a strong decision to or not to do something. Ok, no strong decision to exercise more and shop less? No quitting cheesecake? I’m feeling this!
Now I like lists and charts so this next bit really grabbed me: Categorize your life he said, into one big box. Slap your name across the top and fill it with little bins containing the pieces of your life like your job/money, your family, your (gasp) resolutions, your church, (being sure to keep the church and money bins as far apart as possible!) oh and don’t forget to put your God in a box too! What? God in a box? Hmm that can’t be right.
Pastor Corey defined revolution (again from memory) as a complete change of mind…thinking…heart. Kinda reminds me of repentance…turning away from bad and towards good. That can’t be a bad thing so I was down with this concept in place of resolutions- but for the last few days I have been struggling to really get a hold of how to practically do this…change my mind. Sometimes we Christians can be really good at talking about “just” trusting God, and “just” having faith and so on…but not always so good at finding a practical way to actually DO that. Maybe I’m just simple, but I think we tend to clutter up everything in our lives by making things so complicated. I’m really big on getting back to basics, and being practical…and lists.

So that brings me to the third “R”. Revelation. This can be defined as “something revealed or disclosed especially a striking disclosure, as of something not before realized.” It can also be defined as “God's disclosure of Himself and His will to His creatures.” (dictionary.com) I believe that when you distance yourself from God, His word, and His people, you distance yourself from so much- to include knowledge and guidance, and…revelation. As I said I spent some time away from my church, but I also struggled with my prayer life and reading my bible. Trust me- when you do this for too long, you lose your conviction, your compass, and so much more. Funny though, how God is always, and I mean ALWAYS there waiting to embrace me when I come home. Talk about Grace! So what has God revealed to me about resolutions and revolutions? Mostly that I needed to change my mind.
Back to the box…first off Corey helped me realize that it is time to scrape my name off the top of it, because it doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to God. He also helped me re-acknowledge that while I am not the creator of all these things, I am the one who decides by free will how I will use them. Sounds a lot like I needed to put Gods name at the top of my box, and put my name next to the word accountable. Step one and two on my list! I started mentally rooting around through the bins trying to figure out which ones needed to be renamed or just dumped out entirely, but like anything worth doing I realized it would not all be finished quickly.
So this is my New Years Revolution:

1.Re-label-who God is (First, Creator, Councilor, Strength, Lover, and Provider) and who I am and am not (Not a failure, not worthless...Am loved, am capable, am strengthened, am…His)

2.Get rid of- Attitudes, perceptions, behaviors, people and things that don’t belong in my life.

3.Be accountable-to God, to myself, to others that I can trust to lift me up.

Thanks to my Momma I think this is my 2011 verse- 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
The beauty of God is that regardless of OUR past, present, and future failures- HE makes us new. HE gives us strength and HE is enough.
What is your revolution?