Who do they say I am...Who do you say I am...Part 3

Some kids dream of being an astronaut or a ballerina. Maybe it’s because of the dysfunction I grew up in, but I never really dreamed of “being” anything. It’s not that I was unmotivated or apathetic. I just couldn’t think past the haze of trauma. The exception to that was being a mom- I knew I wanted that...I always knew. I wanted someone to love and be loved by… unconditionally. Never mind that I was nearly devoid of parenting skills. But in His mercy- God gave me just enough. (He’s good about that!) I had my daughter younger than I would recommend (18)- but to be perfectly honest I think in some ways she saved me from myself. She gave me something to focus on, someone to love and be loved by, someone to motivate me when I was exhausted. In hindsight that is a lot for one little girl to bear! Fortunately she is turning out amazing despite the teenage angst- both my former and her current. Now with three more children there is so much more..more fun, more love, more broken “things” in my house. We fuss and fight but we also love and grow…we don’t have it all together but there is love. In Colossians 3:21 Paul warned parents saying “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”…boy do I fail a lot there! Most parents kind of go into parenting with the mantra of giving more than they had and so I am constantly concerned about how I’m doing. I tell them (not really joking) that I know I am one of the reasons they will be in recovery counseling some day. I’m just thankful that exists lol! I ask God why oh why they have to pick up on my bad traits!!! I have struggled with a lot of things that I wish would just go away instead of propagating. It can be a challenge to find balance between being the authority and a guide. I want my kids to understand my love, my desire to give them more, my desire to help them become productive, loving members of this world… Good husband and wives, father and mothers, workers, friends, Christ followers and leaders to Christ. I want them to respect authority and yet know that they have a lot to offer, that their opinions and thoughts are respected and desired…that they don’t have to (and shouldn’t!) always go with the status quo, and that just because it is the norm doesn’t mean it’s ok, right, or the right path for them. I want them to fight- for themselves, for others, for what’s right…for the sake of love. To love others and themselves for who they are. To dream.
I guess that’s part of the journey through this fallen world we live in. Thankfully I have friends who remind me that I am doing my best, and that I can trust God to do the rest…I really hate cliche Christian sayings but that one kinda takes some of the pressure off. I am thankful for those same close friends who have seen me being a real ass- yelling at my kids…and still love me. No, I don’t have it all together, yes, I yell at my kids, yes sometimes I am out of line, yes I make bad calls, yes I forget to sign the 56th school document that says they can do “X”, yes I forget to pack a lunch for the field trip, yes I spanked the wrong kid, yes I called my son the dogs name, yes I lament my failures and forget to recognize the wins…yes. Learning, letting go, loving, moving forward, and learning to dream…How about you?