Ache

I have an ache that overwhelms my heart. It crosses boundaries and sees through dark. It takes my breath yet gives me life. It keeps me walking through broken strife. I have an ache that pulls you near, and then pushes away from loss and fear. A sensual struggle in dark and light, a lusty death in a bright lit night. I have an ache the covers wounds, and tears them open when goodness looms. A muddy life or pristine death, beautiful dirty seed reaching for the sky and down to the depths. Never sated, thirsting and starving for but one thing, chasing worldly illusions like a drugged up crack fiend hallucinating and disillusioned. This ache, this loves embrace, this one step I take…back after two steps forward as the wolves attack…Is my will eroding, my mind imploding and my heart exploding, my dreams realizing, Your love defining… Not who my mouth or their shouts say I should be, but covering and loving the real, muddy, poetically disgruntled, blind, stubborn thing you see…me.

Serving You

I want to
Put my hands around your face and
Listen to you speak
Weep with you and
Be stronger when you’re weak
I want to
Stand in the gap for you and
Embrace you tight
Help set you free and
Give you a reason to fight
I want to
Feed your body and
Feed your soul
Understand you and
Make you whole
I want to
Take our time and
Let worries rest
Feel you living and
Know you best

Who do they say I am...Who do you say I am...Part 3

Some kids dream of being an astronaut or a ballerina. Maybe it’s because of the dysfunction I grew up in, but I never really dreamed of “being” anything. It’s not that I was unmotivated or apathetic. I just couldn’t think past the haze of trauma. The exception to that was being a mom- I knew I wanted that...I always knew. I wanted someone to love and be loved by… unconditionally. Never mind that I was nearly devoid of parenting skills. But in His mercy- God gave me just enough. (He’s good about that!) I had my daughter younger than I would recommend (18)- but to be perfectly honest I think in some ways she saved me from myself. She gave me something to focus on, someone to love and be loved by, someone to motivate me when I was exhausted. In hindsight that is a lot for one little girl to bear! Fortunately she is turning out amazing despite the teenage angst- both my former and her current. Now with three more children there is so much more..more fun, more love, more broken “things” in my house. We fuss and fight but we also love and grow…we don’t have it all together but there is love. In Colossians 3:21 Paul warned parents saying “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”…boy do I fail a lot there! Most parents kind of go into parenting with the mantra of giving more than they had and so I am constantly concerned about how I’m doing. I tell them (not really joking) that I know I am one of the reasons they will be in recovery counseling some day. I’m just thankful that exists lol! I ask God why oh why they have to pick up on my bad traits!!! I have struggled with a lot of things that I wish would just go away instead of propagating. It can be a challenge to find balance between being the authority and a guide. I want my kids to understand my love, my desire to give them more, my desire to help them become productive, loving members of this world… Good husband and wives, father and mothers, workers, friends, Christ followers and leaders to Christ. I want them to respect authority and yet know that they have a lot to offer, that their opinions and thoughts are respected and desired…that they don’t have to (and shouldn’t!) always go with the status quo, and that just because it is the norm doesn’t mean it’s ok, right, or the right path for them. I want them to fight- for themselves, for others, for what’s right…for the sake of love. To love others and themselves for who they are. To dream.
I guess that’s part of the journey through this fallen world we live in. Thankfully I have friends who remind me that I am doing my best, and that I can trust God to do the rest…I really hate cliche Christian sayings but that one kinda takes some of the pressure off. I am thankful for those same close friends who have seen me being a real ass- yelling at my kids…and still love me. No, I don’t have it all together, yes, I yell at my kids, yes sometimes I am out of line, yes I make bad calls, yes I forget to sign the 56th school document that says they can do “X”, yes I forget to pack a lunch for the field trip, yes I spanked the wrong kid, yes I called my son the dogs name, yes I lament my failures and forget to recognize the wins…yes. Learning, letting go, loving, moving forward, and learning to dream…How about you?

Who do they say I am…Who do you say I am? Part 2

He wept for us… I imagine He ached for us. A gut wrenching doubled over weeping kind of pain. Why else would He come down, give up His role as King to become a servant. Unrecognized and spat upon...completely humbled. Jesus likely felt no physical pain, seated on his throne next to God. And yet he chose to experience it. Despite the pain that we caused ourselves –He bore it. He knew the role He had to play and accepted it. Embraced it even. The toughest role EVER! And I wonder why then, I have such a hard time in my roles sometimes. If He was willing to do that, why can’t I seem to get my act together? Do you embrace all the roles you play? Or, are you apathetic …do you rebel? (And by YOU I mean ME)

In thinking about this I tried to consider all the roles I play thinking it was some long list…at least that’s how it feels sometimes. But in the end I came up with these few: Woman. New Testament church. (Don’t just go to church…BE THE CHURCH!) Wife. Mother. Daughter. Friend. Co-worker…I guess I could add blogger now? I think there are lots and lots of sub-categories within these roles, and that there is even a separate thought towards being both a leader and follower in each …yes my lists usually do have lists…Don’t Judge Me!
What is on your list? How do you prioritize…your roles, relationships, tasks etc?
Further down that (primrose?)path I began to consider this: Of all the roles you play- which one most displays the real you? Perhaps in some way it’s all of them? Some people would tell you that they are the same no matter who they are talking to, but I throw the BS flag on that. You may have the same general personality but if we are completely honest, the face we show publicly-to co-workers, acquaintances, and even friends is not the same one we show privately to those closest to us, to ourselves, and to God. I wonder why we aren’t honest with everyone. Is it fear…of judgment or maybe rejection? Is it to protect others? In my job we talk about “Barriers”. Barriers to learning, to communication, to sharing information and resources etc. We know that some barriers are legitimate while others are perceived. What stops you from being “real” all the time? I guess I have more questions right now then eloquent answers…more to come.

I'm not nuts...just a little mad.

Sorry, this isn’t part 2. This is a rant- an I’m tired and grouchy and grumpy and in a funk rant. Read no further if that’s just too self indulgent of me. Keep reading if you’ll admit to equally self indulgent days.
How many ways can I express that it is hard to stop cursing? Why is this SO HARD? I am not uneducated, nor am I unable to say “Boy that makes me upset” but sheesh, sometimes the only word is…eff. Capitol eff. Capitol eff with 3 exclamation marks. There I said it. Sort of. Ok, ok, I am being melodramatic. Why am I so pissed?...eff I don’t know. I piss myself off- contradicting my own beliefs thoughts, and words. They piss me off…In fact YOU are probably pissing me off right now! Lol ok maybe not YOU…but someone like you. For all my love and intended eloquence, that’s all I can think to say or feel for that matter. Eff. No way out from the swirling thoughts in my mind- no disappearing or ignoring myself and so I’m left with…eff.
Thank you… And have a good night.

Who do they say I am…Who do you say I am? Part 1

Most people know me as being brutally honest. A friend commented on FB yesterday when I spoke about being gentle with actions and words towards others “You have never been gentle but that's why I love ya! You tell it how it is while others tell it how it might be.” I love this guy- A true friend who has known me for years. (Prayers for him please by the way as he is deployed!) But honestly –A book I read a few months ago (“Grace based parenting”) got me really thinking about my approach to honesty. It spoke of tempering honesty with love…being candid instead of “brutal” This is really tough to learn (and unlearn), but I believe worth the effort, and I have been working on this in earnest. Continuing down the thought process of his comment and a few others lately, plus reading in Luke- I began thinking about the different perceptions people have of us and the roles we play. How others see us, how we see ourselves and how God sees us are all very different.

Who do they say I am…Who do you say I am? Luke 9:18… 9:20

While I know God’s view is the ultimate truth- I think there is a truth in the other two as well. I don’t know exactly what Jesus thought of Himself- but clearly He knew He had authority to speak, forgive, and heal on behalf of the Father. The Father said Himself that He was pleased with Him, and yet others were confused. Opinions of Him ranged from being the Christ, to being a worthless criminal worthy only of torture and death…talk about mixed opinions! If Jesus had this struggle, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that we do too.
A few examples for me are- Co-workers and acquaintances sometimes see a rough, and sometimes harsh person, but I know that I just have rough edges caused by years of abuse and misguidance, and that untold numbers of those edges have been smoothed over. Some see me as brave or strong, yet many days I feel broken and afraid. God tells me that His grace and power are enough, and that I need not be afraid. When I feel ugly, filthy and worthless- He tells me I am His beautiful princess with great worth, and that He will use me for greatness if I let Him…. Wow- what a disconnect huh!
Maybe you and I can spend some time looking at who we really are. Together over the next few days / weeks maybe you and I can discover the roles we hold, and see if there is a disconnect between who “they” say we are, who we say we are, and who He says we are. Just a thought…
I may get a bit confusing as I go between the ideas of “perceptions” and “roles” but please bear with me! If I took the time to separate all this out it would months before I posted again!!!
So think about it: Who are you really? Publicly…Privately…Internally…to God?

Life is like...a garden

A few weeks ago realized that sometimes my life (and maybe yours?) is a lot like a garden.
With great enthusiasm I began my vegetable garden this spring. Plotting and building, mixing soil and digging. I tend to get really ramped up with things initially, pouring much love and sweat into it. I love a lot of things so unfortunately I often bite off more than I can chew and become overwhelmed. It seems simple enough. You plant a seed, and become excited when the first tender shoots push through the dirt. For the first few weeks you check for growth everyday in hopes of finding the first signs of fruit. But then when the novelty wears off and the rest of your life needs attention- your attention drifts, and you become complacent. It’s kind of like building relationships. You make a connection, give bits of yourself, and hope it will blossom. In the garden you water faithfully…ok you water when you have time and… hope for the best.
The vines began to reach out to each other intertwining, allowing the weight of each to be borne by all in the community. It’s really a beautiful picture of how God must have envisioned life for us. Each bearing the weight of another, growing together in strength and love. Unfortunately like us, tomato plants must be pruned and guided or the will go where they please, becoming a matted mess and overshadowing other plants in the garden- blocking out the warmth and God’s eye view. This happens to me a lot in life- I leave things unchecked. A hurtful comment left in my heart to dig at me. An annoyance left festering, just waiting (ok begging) for an explosion. Unforgiveness or other sin left unrepentant can grow and morph- causing distance from God, causing bitterness towards myself or others, and can even grow from a single sin into a negative pattern and then a stronghold that overshadows all the good things in my life.
With fear and a tinge of bitterness I realized I had to cut some of the branches from my tomato plants. I had not payed attention to the quickly interweaving vines, and as predicted-after only a few days and weeks it was out of control. I began evaluating which were the strongly rooted ones. Which ones had the most fruit. And finally which ones were not carrying their load. Going to work with my clippers and knife I cut through all of the offending branches, knowing that in some cases the good branches would become victim. For days after the pruning my plants looked sad. Limbs browned and seemed to curl up holding to themselves.
This is the fear we have ourselves sometimes isn’t it? We know there are people, behaviors or attitudes we need to get rid of, but we fear the pain. We feel like we can’t bear the change or the damage. We are afraid to risk people seeing deeper and more clearly into our lives when we clear out the unnecessary brush.
So many times we wait. We wait until the pain is simply unbearable! There is a saying that people will only change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing…sheesh…no kidding!
The bible talks about knowing those that are true or false by the fruit that they bear. It talks about cutting off limbs that do not bear fruit. Interesting no?
It takes time to heal after trauma- even if it is for your benefit. In the end it is still better to do it. After a week or so my plants began to recover. They gently reached toward the sun, turning a much brighter shade of green. To my surprise- when the tomatoes came in again they were much sweeter and more prolific than before!


"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." ~Anatole France

Racing around

Have you ever had a morning where you could really just press the reset button? Or better yet fast forward? This morning I woke up late to an alarm clock that was blinking furiously but making no sound. I became conscious enough to remember that I had a 7:30 dental appointment, so neither sitting down with the Lord, nor finishing my cup of coffee (like I ever do) were an option. Neither were gathering my thoughts together nor nursing my headache and bum knee. Well I threw myself together, raced out the door and got to the dentists at exactly 7:25. Whew! No missed appointment fees for this momma! Lucky for me I wasn’t called for another half hour! Not. I usually schedule appointments for the first available of the day so I can get to work at a reasonable hour, so when yet another half hour passed and I was still sitting in the dentist’s chair with no dentist in site…I just left!
The receptionist was really quite apologetic, and I did my best not to be grumpy about it as I rescheduled. I could tell however, that the tech that ran up to see where I went and was listening in… was in disbelief. How dare I just walk right out of the examination room leaving their ridiculous paper clothing guard in my bottoms place. Side note- really, is a 12 by 12 piece of paper supposed to compensate for all the water they spray all over me? The last time I went, some of the water landed both on my forehead and my toes! You must be joking. But I digress.
So here I went-Run out of the office I realizing that today is one of the 9 days per year total that it rains here in SA- raining by the buckets I might add. Sooo, soaked clothes, wet hair…and I stepped in a huge puddle. Faaaantastic! Gotta go back home.
Race home. Check. Change clothes. Check Check. Put on hat- because I am brilliant and got a “cute” short cut which requires daily wrestling and beat downs to keep from resolving itself to a fro, AAAnd the rain will, in fact cause said fro by noon. Check x 3. Make smoothie because at this point I am pissed off and starving (those who know me realized that at this point I am nearing implosion.) I hop in the car, placing smoothie securely in the center console’s cup holder. Quickly raising hand with keys up before I realize that my keys had taken a sweet morning bath in smoothie, resulting in it being flung all over the steering wheel and drizzled down my clothes. Check mate.
Did I mention that I woke up already feeling stressed, depressed and annoyed? Funny, how Satan can not read our minds, but is tricky, watching us enough to know what buttons to push. He knows which thoughts to poke into your head to sway your emotions- if you let them. Funny how all of this was pretty freakin aggravating as it was happening, is now really, really funny.
If your day started with a struggle, or annoyances hit you throughout the day I would encourage you to do a few things:
First- slow down! If you are like me, you get all ramped up at a thousand mph and cause even more problems than you started with. (Stupid smoothie.)
Second- Sometimes I am too far gone to slow down and pray about it. I wish I could say that I stopped whatever I was doing and spend some time with my mighty councilor, but that my friends, would be a lie. If you can, then by all means DO THAT! But if not, then tell a friend, or 2 or 137 on Facebook. (smile) If you have surrounded yourself with loving people they will lift you up, make you laugh, and pray for you if they are the praying type. This has been an amazing discovery to this girl- who is a recovering secret sufferer! When you do settle down…do take it to the Lord, He is ever waiting to love on you.
Third- When you do have time, write it down. Journal it out. Realize what things were not that big a deal and which (if any) need to be addressed. If you acted like an ass to someone, go make amends. If you acted like an ass to yourself, let it go.
Finally- Move forward. Make the choice to enjoy the next moments instead of fuming on the last. Guard your hearts and minds from the enemy, and those that would tear you down. Don’t let silly things steal your joy.

dichotomy

From The Merriam Webster online dictionary:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/netdict/dichotomy
Main Entry: di·chot·o·my
Pronunciation: \dī-ˈkä-tə-mē also də-\
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek dichotomia, from dichotomos
Date: 1610
1 : a division into two especially mutually exclusive or contradictory groups or entities
Picture: Me.

Galatians 5:17 "For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please."

Now let me just start out by saying that I am definitely not trying to justify or glorify any of my bad habits. They are what they are, and if God intended for me to be completely devoid of faults I think He would have just sent me straight to heaven when I got saved instead of letting me work through it all here on Earth.

Now that that is cleared up! Sometimes I see myself as a ridiculous dichotomy. The word itself has popped into my head a lot lately, but the other day was a great example. I was talking to another spunky girl I know about food. We shared a bunch of our philosophies on eating real food, the changes we are making for our families, and how we feel these changes will heal our bodies. (That topic is many, many blogs in the making). Well it just so turned out that I didn’t plan well that day, and had to run an errand with Antonio. What does this mean?…well at 10:30 I was talking about my love of raw milk, and all things naturally made and grown, and at 11:30 I was eating a burrito from taco bell. Huh? It tasted nasty, and made me (and Antonio by the way) feel terrible. Why, oh why do I do it? In that case it was a lack of planning and time. In other cases it is just something else entirely…hello- can you say spam fried rice!!!
Another thing, I love helping people. I long so deeply to help hurting and truly helpless people in so many ways. I want to do things out of love, and because it’s the right thing to do. Yet I am impatient and sometimes angry when people don’t get it. (Whatever the “it” that I’m pedaling that day is) I struggle and pray about it. Are they incapable? Unwilling? Why, why, why? I hope for the day when I really never tire of doing good (2 Thessalonians 3:13), and I pray for the day where I will have immeasurable patience and have no need for human appreciation. Today is not that day. When people are completely unappreciative, it hurts me and really ticks me off. Now when I say unappreciative, I don’t mean that I want big “thank-yous” folks but good gravy a half ounce of gratitude builds me and anyone else up and can keep us going!

My tongue has gotten me into more trouble than I care to admit. (snort) I laughed and cried pitifully when I read Anne Lamott’s book Traveling Mercies. She has a certain way of putting things that I identify with on a deep level. My favorite line:” I'm not going to tell you what I really thought of that woman in her Lycra bicycle shorts, because if I did, it'd make Jesus drink gin straight out of the cat's dish.” I wish I could say that as soon as I knew God He took away every ounce of anger and rotten thing in me, but I can’t. He did put every good thing in me, and has given me more than I can express… but the other stuff He left.  I suppose because that is part of my journey, is fowl language part of His plan? Um, I don’t think so. But He’ll take me and use it anyway. I still don’t understand why I tolerate and sometimes participate in conversations that make me cringe?  How can I hurt when I hear angry cursing parents and then turn around and curse in front of mine? It makes me sad and embarrassed to admit that…but well there it is. I have gotten better…with loads of prayer and working the Recovery steps (another future post). Baby steps are still steps, no matter how small and slow they are.

I could give about a bazillion more examples but I think you get the point.

Paul said in Romans 7:19 “For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.” People can goody two shoes Christianity all they want, and pretend like there are no struggles and that they have it all together, but I’m here to tell you. Real Christianity is MEEEESSSY! And it’s hard. And sometimes life feels (and smells) like your stepping in dog shit instead of a garden. And all of the junk you have dealt with and will deal with doesn’t magically disappear. Paul was angry, and messy, and struggled. Yet he loved the Lord, and the Lord loved him. I think that is why I look to his writings more than many others; because they raw, and real.

Well it seems that I’m just ranting now, all to simply say that I don’t always follow a pattern, even one that I like. Sometimes I do well and sometimes I struggle. Don’t we all though? Or am I the only loony out here?

For lunch I had organic,locally grown watermelon and homemade lentil soup...YUM! Tonight? Maybe nachos with lots of cheese…and homegrown tomatoes?